Chapter 26

ProfDoom: Bob,You there?
BM_BSev_682: Yeah, just checking my mail.
ProfDoom: What do you think of this semester's assignment?
BM_BSev_682: Metrix is insane.
ProfDoom: What do you mean?
BM_BSev_682: There's no way that I can afford to do anything like what he wants.
ProfDoom: Well, you'll have to raise money, I guess.
BM_BSev_682: Easy for you to say. Still, I guess, but it's gonna be rough.
ProfDoom: Don't wanna go for the quick nick?
BM_BSev_682: Not my style. I'd prefer avoiding putting studies on hold while I cool my heels next to Peaches.
ProfDoom: ;)
ProfDoom: What about getting a grant?
BM_BSev_682: I thought about that, but after the last time, I'm not sure the best way to not have them screw up again.
BM_BSev_682: Besides, I suppose since they already gave me Margie, I should try doing something more with her. What about you?
ProfDoom: Oh, I've got a few ideas.

What the hell?

Huh? What? Oh, COOL!!

JB, what the hell is this?

Wow, they really don't waste time, do they? Man this is too cool, you've got all kinds of neat accessories.

JB? I'm an action figure.

Hey, am I in there?

JB? Who decided to make me an action figure?

USHA did.

Come again?

That's how they make their money, Chris. Geez, how do you think they can afford all of the benefits we get, pay off the huge repair bills and all the other crap. It was in the packet they sent us.

Packet? Good Lord JB that thing weighed fifty pounds. The mailman had to get someone to help him haul it in. Besides, I figured they just sold our name to those junk mail lists.

They get rights to promotional materials for us, or I guess you really. Man, what a gyp, I'm not in here.

This doesn't look anything like me. This looks like someone dipped Lou Ferigno in gray paint and put a hat on him.

Yeah, well, you're pretty new to the scene so they probably used an older model. But look at these nifty stats.

Stats? 'Master martial artist'? WHAT? I can barely make a pork chop rather than a karate chop.

It's artistic license. Face it Chris, describing you as a guy in a gray jacket that runs around Boise is hardly going to appeal to the six to twenty demo.

JB, I never played for an indy rock band named Steamed Fresca!

You played an instrument.

Clarinet! Badly! In High School! Isn't there someone I can contact and get at least slightly more accurate information about me on these?

Well, there was something in the info packet, but unless you've been at it for a while, you're probably not going to get anywhere. Man, look, your gun shoots little missles.

JB, we don't have guns. Come to think of it, I don't have most of the stuff here. What's this supposed to be?


This thing, the weird looking doll thing.

Ok, this just sucks.

What? What is it.

It's me.

Ok, so I'm getting a couple of these now, you want any?

Bite me.

So, like, is everyone, like, here? Ok so like let's get started and stuff. Ok, for like the new folks, my name is Kimberly Parks and I'm like the President of the Grayhound Fan Club. Hi!


So like I'm super excited that, like, so many of you have shown up. Krystle? Do you like wanna tell everyone what we did last time?

Uh, sure. So like we all came here, but there were a lot less folks and we talked about why GH&PB sound like a yummy sandwich, but like nobody had seen them for a while but Alexis said that she hadn't seen like their car in their driveway for a while so we figured they were like on some secret mission thingy and then Fallon asked if like it might like be true that they were in Atlantica a while ago but then Ashleigh said, like, no way, because that was like some burglar or something and then a couple of us talked about how cool it would be to see GH like being super in our own backyard, but then Savanah said that it would be kind of creepy really, and we kinda argued about it for a while until Kimmie said that we needed to talk about how we need to get busy on our fundraiser which got a bit boring but it's kind of important and stuff then Dawson's Creek came on.

Ok, like thanks Krystle. So do we like have any old business to like talk about?

Uhm, well we need to figure out if we're doing like bake sale or buttons.

Didn't we decide that last time?

Uhm, maybe but I think I kinda forgot to write it down.

Awwuughh! Ok, so like, the vote is whether or not we like should hold a bake sale to like raise funds or like should we sell these buttons that Tiffany's dad said he'd help us make up? Oh, and like if you weren't here last time, like don't vote, OK? Cause you like probably don't know what we were talking about and it would take too long to explain it all and stuff.

Ok, who wants "Bake Sale"?
Ok, and who wants "Buttons"?
And like who doesn't care?

Cool, so what's the vote?

Well, like if we count the folks who aren't here this time as folks who don't care, then.. it's.. Buttons.

Cool! Buttons! So like on to the new stuff.

Hey Guys? So like we got this letter from USHA.

Like you did? What's it say?

Well, the good news is that our boys have like been officially recognized.

That is sooo cool! Yay!

Yeah, but like according to the letters, it means that if we want to like do the buttons, we need to get the design approved first, and like we need to let them know how many we sell.


Or we can use one of the styles they sent us.

Oh! Cool, so like what do they look like?

I've got the sheet right here.

Ooh, this one's cute… Funny, GH didn't look this tall when he was on TV.

Yeah, but TV always makes people look smaller. They're like only six inches tall.

Oh, Yeah, Duh! Ok, so like do we want to go with the original design or like the new design?

I think we should do the new design.

Yeah, me too!

Ok, so like all that want the new design?
Who wants the old design?
Who doesn't care?

Wait a minute!

Fallon? What?

Like is the vote only available to active members of the registered assembly or is the vote to exclude those members in attendance who have not been recognized as active in the association, and secondly if those members of the public are allowed to vote, should their votes be tallied as a vote of singular weight or do each of members of the public have an equal voice to those of registered members of the association?

Ok, Someone switch Fallon to decaf.

No, like I think she has a point, Alexis. Ok, like those of you who aren't in the club yet, like don't vote, 'kay?

Ok, so like those who want the new design?
Those who don't?
Those that don't care?

Ok, so new design it is.

Megan? Are you cool with that?


Well, we'll submit it for approval anyway. Maybe we'll use it later.

So like what else is there?

"And when did you say that this happened?"

Cleatus Wayne McGurk shifted uneasily in his chair. He had already told the government man everything he knew, twice. Still, he had been nice enough and hadn't laughed at him like everyone else did.

"I tol' you. It happened two nights ago after I had finished checkin' on the back ten."

The man made a murmuring noise like he was working on a problem of some sort. "Mr. McGurk, I want to apologize if this seems like it's taking a long time. There are certain individuals that we speak to that are, shall we say, of questionable veracity."

McGurk looked at the man, not knowing the book-meaning definition of the word, but getting a sense of it none the less.

The suit continued, "I feel that the answers you have given us tonight indicate that you, however, certainly did encounter something unusual. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you some final questions, just so that I completely understand the events that transpired that night."

McGurk agreed with a slight nod.

The suit stood and knocked on a door. It opened slightly and several maps were handed to the suit. He quickly returned to the table.

"Excellent. Now as I understand it, this area here," he outlined a region on the map, "is your farm?"

"Well, yeah, exceptin' that the county owns the part down by the river there."

"Were you near there?"

"No, I was over here, near the tractor barn." Cletus planted a heavy finger near one of the black lines the cross-hatched the area."

"Ah, thank you." The suit made a careful notation of the fact on the map. "and you say you were coming back toward your house?"

"Yes that's over here this-aways."

"And you said that the night was brightly lit?"

"Well, the moon was out full, but there were some clouds. I didn't need my lantern to see my way if that's what you mean."

"So was it on or off?'

"I normally keep it off unless I see something out there. No sense a-wastin' batteries 'les you need to."

"And so about where did you see the creature."

"Well, at first I saw him about here. He was a short one so I didn't see him at first amongst the 'taters."

"And that's when you switched on your flashlight."

"Yes, sir. That's when I did."

"And the creature didn't run?"

"No sir. Like I said, that was the part I didn't understand. He just stood there and gave me this little wave, like we were drinking buddies 'r something. That's when he pressed the button on his boombox."

"Was it a normal radio?"

"I suppose so. I mean it looked like one of those things you see on QVC. He held it up and then hit a button on top. Next thing I know he's playing Eddie Rabbit."

"But then he stopped suddenly."

"Yes sir. He got all made and started yelling in a language I ain't never heard before. He flipped over the tape and held up the box, sighed real heavy like, then hit the button again."

"And that's when you heard it."

"Yes sir, It said something like: 'In nineteen years this may be a lovely spot to set up the internment camp. The Bad Guys are coming. Get your planet ready!'".

"You're certain that's what was on the tape?"

"As certain as I can be sir, it was like hearing a computer talk, and before I could get him to play it again, he had run off."

"Back toward the road here?"

"Yes sir, and that's where he got into the cab."

"Can you tell us anything more about that cab?"
"No sir, nothing else. Like I said, it was kinda dark out. I only know it was a cab because it had that big ad sign on the top of it."

There was another knock on the door. The suit quickly got up and spoke briefly with the person on the other side. When he returned he held up an artist's sketch of a short caricature. It was if someone had taken a professional wrestler and squashed him down. He wore a mo-hawk style haircut and eighties style wrap-around sunglasses.

"Yes Sir! That sure is him!"

"Thank you Mr. McGurk. One of my associates will drive you back to your farm." He stopped at the door and turned to McGurk. "Mr. McGurk? I do want to make one thing very clear to you. You are not to speak of this event to anyone else. Do I make myself clear?"

"Uh, sir?"

"Mr. McGurk, I understand that this was a very frightening experience. Imagine what might happen if others, others unlike yourself, who might be prone to more, shall we say, socially detrimental activities under the guise of protecting their community. Things like this can quickly grow out of control, Mr. McGurk. It's happened in other communities before. I'm not asking you to lie. If someone asks you directly about this affair, feel free to discuss that affair with them. However, please do not mention us. Just know that we are doing everything we can to ensure that you and your community will be safe."

The suit paused and leaned a bit closer. "Mr. McGurk, can I trust you?"

McGurk was silent for a few seconds. "Aw, you don't have to worry about me. The few folks I told thought I'd been hittin' the hootch and if I ever told anyone that I had been picked up by a black helicopter and talked with a bunch of secret agents, well, they'd just throw away the key."

The suit laughed a bit. "Rest assured Mr. McGurk, we are very real, and we are on your side. But we do need your help. Please, don't tell anyone that we're on the case. It might get back to our little green friend."

"No sir, I won't tell a soul. Oh, and thank you."

"No, Mr. McGurk, thank you."



C'mon, answer the phone.

General? Thank you for taking my call General.

Yes, I remembered. If I may, sir, my time is limited. My General I have uncovered news about our most loathsome enemy, I…

Yes, I saved nearly forty-two percent when compared to other services, if I may continue, sir, the artifact you discovered has quite a different effect on the inhabitants of the planet…

Yes, I know I can use any phone to call anywhere in the US, Sir this is of extreme importance! I feel that we must recover the artifact from these humans so that we can use it to create an army of warriors to defeat …

LOOK, I KNOW I CAN LEAVE A FARGING MESSAGE IF THE P'JOJO ISN'T THERE! I DON'T CARE! I'M TALKING TO THE STUPID SON OF A BRAKA RIGHT NOW!!! SO KINDLY SHUT YOUR TAJ HOLE AND LISTEN!! I'm sorry My General, but my anger is only meant out of my want for justice for my people. As I was saying. I believe that we must recover the artifact and begin to use it on the inhabitants of this despicable ball of mud, one they are properly "conditioned" of course. We can rise up and take our revenge on those that brought our mighty empire to it's knees and once again claim our rightful position in the cosmos.

But to do it, I will need your help once again. I will need you to contact the others and let them know of our plan. I need not tell you that for our plan to succeed, secrecy is paramount. Have them contact me however they deem, I am still at the academy. Do you undertstand General?






General? Why do I hear something that sounds like a giant squeaky hammer being pounded against a sofa?

What dastardly plot are the fiendish
forces plotting and will they actually
sell buttons or baked goods?

Who are the secretive ones so interested
in the alien affairs that they have mailing
subscriptions to Weekly World News?
(wait, no, sorry that's just a general question I have.)

And where can I get one of those
spiffy Grayhound Posable Action
Figures for my Birthday?

None of these questions, and even more will be revealed in the next thrilling episode:

Wall to Wall Religion
That's not Budda, that's Parkay

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