This is what you were afraid of. This is what you lay awake those long nights praying would never happen. This is what happens when you take three writers of reasonably popular web serials, and plant a goofier than normal idea into their heads. From the fevered mind of Jim Evans (Files of Hydrogen Guy), the evil mind of Steve Keller (Christopher Ford, Amateur Paranomalist), and the absent mind of JR Conlin (The Grayhound Chronicles) comes the tales of derring do of five or six (depending on the mission and whether anyone forgot to give Russell the safety blow-torch) dedicated members of the Galactic Customs, Earth Irregulars.
What JIM says about it:
After several intensive months of study under Rick Berman, we believe we've mastered the art of obtaining water from a dead horse. Or beating a dry well. Or something. Anyway, I look at all this [expansive gesture], and marvel that it all sprang ultimately from a bit of back story devised in my younger days for a Lego figure driving a ridiculously over-armed semi. Who can say where the road goes? Only Enya. Or possibly Peter Jackson.What ~Steve-o says about it:Ah, I guess one of us should say something that makes sense. Welcome to the our new web serial, Galactic Customs. We all three write other features, mentioned above, and this occupies a kind of middle ground between them - although those shouldn't be required reading for this. As the title implies, we hope to delve into some of the lesser-known cases of Galactic Customs, an interstellar law enforcement body concerned with trade and excise. The rest I'll let the forth-coming stories explain. Let us know what you think of it all.
Please enjoy responsibly.
Best Shimo scene to date. Also, the best use of a live skunk ever.
02:01:19 - Fist full of Gerbils
And they said it couldn't be done (Well, no, actually they said it shouldn't be done), but here it is anyway, the second installment.
And much like loan installments, this one was just nibbling a hole in our pocket.
Hmm, that seemed funnier when I first wrote it but now it just seems very, very wrong.
What JR says about it:
Second out of the gate, this time JIM's to blame. As for the two humans? Sadly, I think I went to school with them.What ~Steve-o says about it:
My hamster's not allowed to read this one. I don't want her getting any ideas.
02:02:02 - Carla, Get Your Gun
Ever have one of those days?
You go to work at a web startup that's actually a branch of a secret galactic enforcement agency, your computer crashes and the next thing you know you're standing next to a sacrificial pyre beside a guy who'll never be able to buy dinner jackets off the rack.
You too? Geez, don't you just hate days like that?
What JIM says about it:
This episode is proof positive that even if no one else is reading these, we're entertaining the stuffing out of each other. I want to know where ~Steve-o's buying his margarine.What JR says about it:
Oh, sure, Steve goes and adds actuall Plot and some Character Development. Sure, make us both look bad, whydoncha?What ~Steve-o says about it:Actually, some apologies. Steve needed to make a few changes to this and I was a goof and didn't load the story right away. So blame spellling misteaks and various plot holes on me, not Steve.
This deserves an award for the best celebrity guest star in a web series... ever. Also, the first appearance of the gypsy, the greatest GC character of all. Ph34r the gypsy
02:02:16 - The Good, The Bad and the Prickly
In the Naked City, there are a thousand and one untold tales.
This is one of them.
Wait, no, actually, now it's technically a told tale.
Sorry, I'll start again.
Sometimes, you get so good at your job you can do it without even thinking about it.
And if you're REALLY good, you can do it without even knowing about it.
What JIM says about it:
This week's file is on a subject very near and dear to our hearts. Or, more specifically, our depressed heart-rates.What JR says about it:I want to know what fascination JR has for giant hammers.
This was a chapter that came about because of a drunken bar bet between the three of us. No, not really, but it sounds much better than what actually happened. I'd let the others vouch for me, but they're sleeping it off.What ~Steve-o says about it:
We hate you JR. Thanks for spilling our secret ingredient
03:02:02 - The Long Brown Trail
Underdog, Superchicken, Pop-eye.
They're just in denial really.
Kurt prefers to be more honest about where he gets his powers.
Although we're not totally sure about the monkey...
What JIM says about it:
I really, really want to point out that this one had been written by my two cohorts practically before I even knew about it.What JR says about it:So don't blame me.
Steve and I occasionally get into long Y!IM discussions. This is the culmination of two of them.What ~Steve-o says about it:Don't blame me JIM, he started it!!
My mother says I'm not allowed to play with the JR boy down the street anymore. He's a bad influence.
02:03:16 - Shape, Come Back!
We wish to emphisize that the individuals appearing here are fictional.
They do not reflect real human beings.
No matter how much Steve would like to have that kind of money
What JIM says about it:
Now, finally, the truth is revealed about ~Steve-o.What JR says about it:
If you read this chapter and think that there must be some fascinating plot that will be developed later -- full of clever twists and turns, well, you're still new around here.What ~Steve-o says about it:
I swear I in no way influenced the formulation, outcome, or crisp, clean aftertaste of this story. Beverage samples available in the forum.
02:03:30 - Shootout at the Roy Thompson Coral
There's nothing worse than losing your girl, and your best friend.
No, that's not quite right.
There's something far worse than that.
What JIM says about it:
Just another day in the Toronto... man, those giant ice spiders are a bitch on the 401. I find in interesting that ~Steve-o's been responsible for most of the Canadian content in this series so far. Could it be living in Alaska's makes him a subconcious Canuck? Or is it just that powerful Canadian Web Serial lobby?What JR says about it:I don't know, and this big fat cheque here is making sure it stays that way.
Wait a minute.What ~Steve-o says about it:You mean to tell me that the characters have backstories?
Ok, now I REALLY want to know about Shimo's...
Geez, I really have to stop writing stories with plot, I'm ruining the whole ebb and flow of this series. Maybe we can do more Crack Monkey bits.
02:03:30 - The Sons of Steve Jackson
First off, they're wearing robes, not Pyjamas.
Secondly, they never came down any stairs.
So would you kindly refrain from singing
Jelvans in Pyjamas are coming down the stairs,
Jelvans in Pyjamas are chasing teddy bears...
What JIM says about it:
Finally, we get the long-awaited, much-clamoured for (I know - I've seen you clamouring) Rhino spotlight episode. As well, you pick up such useful tidbits as, what do Jelvan monks talk about over lunch? and, What's Flarm's body temperature? Pay close attention, there'll be a quiz Monday.What JR says about it:
In times of trouble, uncertainty and doubt, I know that I can ask myself, "What would the Hhrk G'Na do?" and know the answer.What ~Steve-o says about it:Not that it would help, mind you.
Forget toxic waste and microbes, the real reason Earth is quarantined is because of the Wizards of the Coast. Well, that and Jerry Springer.
02:04:27 - From Parts Unknown
Waiter? There's a guy in my soup.
What JR says about it:
This one's my fault entirely, as is the fact that it's a bit late getting up.Sorry, I got a bit distracted
02:05:11 - Paint Your Weasel
Get yer hands off of me you damn dirty...
Ooooooooooooh!
Shiny
What JIM says about it:
I had General Seagoon for a class once. He gave the Peter Sellars Memorial Lecture in our Applied Mass Destruction course.What JR says about it:
Anyone thinking that we've been influenced by Sluggy Freelance is missing theWhat ~Steve-o says about it:poingPOINT I mean point!
This episode comes in second only to Crack Monkey. Personally, I think Jack's statement about 'brave American soldiers' is the greatest line he's ever delivered. Plus, any episode with the phrase 'military dryer technology' can't be all bad.
02:05:25 - High Tundra Drifter, eh?
They say that the harsh northern climes make a harsh mistress.
I say that explains all the "gopher holes".
(eeeeewwwwww)
What JR says about it:
Thankfully, Edgar Rice Burroghs is already dead.What ~Steve-o says about it:
Flarm finally gets front and center in an episode and it's half dead. Poor Flarm. I'd bet good money he tries to renegotiate his contract next season.
02:06:08 - The Ox-Burger Incident
Do you want fries with that? (Trust me, say yes)
What JR says about it:
These are not the fries you're looking for...What ~Steve-o says about it:
Mmm... oxburgers. Wait. There's not a single oxburger in this entire story. What a gyp. Of course, I've always suspected that there's a shadowy organization putting addictives in our food, much like Purina did to dog food in the 80's. And JR does to the UH Flash movies on the front page.
02:06:22 - Vera Suz
See, they could never get away with that sort of thing here.
The "cruel" part can't be denied and the bright green braids are definitely unusual
What JIM says about it:
This week - stare into the red-hot eyes of DANGER! Venture into the gaping jaws of TERROR! Embrace the unspeakable horrors of certain DEATH and irredeemable MADNESS!What JR says about it:
We get to see what PHIL'S ROOM is like!
"Sweet cheeks?"What ~Steve-o says about it:
Many Bothans died to bring us this video.
02:07:05 Rough Night in Idaho, Pt. 1
Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, we introduce a special crossover edition of Galactic Customs. This episode, the agents investigate none other than Boise's own Annie. This is part one of a special unofficial Galactic Customs/The Grayhound Chronicles crossover. After enjoying its slimy yet satisfying flavor, be sure to drop by The Grayhound Chronicles for the second half.
What JIM says about it:
This is what happens when JR and I go on holidays and leave Steve in charge.What JR says about it:
We'll have to do it more often.
Hi!What ~Steve-o says about it:
I'm sorry, but I'm not here right now.
Please leave your name, number and a brief description of something incredibly useful, but oddly phallic looking at the tone.
Thanks!
This could, quite possibly, be the most horrifying GC chapter yet. Allow me to apologize in advance for this story, but, what with JR going on vacation and leaving me the keys (he said the UH fish needed to be fed and not to touch anything else, but I couldn't help myself) I figured I'd step in. Of course, when he comes back and sees what I've done, he'll have me flambéed.
02:07:19 Comantze Moons
Love...
is a many splintered thing.
02:08:02 - Return of a Man Called Shape
When last we left our hero he was..
well...
not quite himself.
He's still not quite himself, but at least he's not beside himself.
What JR says about it:
I've been asked by the author (who's currently hiding in a closet somewhere) to state that this is absolutely not just some vehicle to trounce out a bunch of really dumb jokes he thought up while drunk and suffering from several major head traumas.What ~Steve-o says about it:That's how he normally writes.
Oh well. On the bright side, we've been away so long there's nobody left who reads us anyway.
02:09:12 - Ballad of the Erie Canal
This is for anyone who ever really thought about vegemite...
and regretted it.
What JR says about it:
A month,you've waited a whole month for this,
and this is the result,
Feel free to kill the author.
02:09:26 - Mystery of the Hooded Oolwooloolians
And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those, well, you'll understand...
What JIM says about it:
Another gripping tale of terror from the man who practically invented the tie-dye inflatable raft. Although it does strike me that the Oolwooloolians bear a striking resemblance to Bill & Ben the Flower Pot Men.What JR says about it:
Rut-roh...
02:10:13 - Little Women
And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those, well, you'll understand...
02:11:23 - The pan who shod gibbering balance
With great power comes great responsibility.
Unfortunately it also comes with a truckload of other issues.
What JR says about it:
Let's see, it's long, confusing, and features some really bad jokes.Yep, I'm to blame alright.
03:02:16 - Tombstone v6.0
Happy, belated, one year anniversary to Galactic Customs. Geez, one year of saving the world or universe depending entirely on your point of view.
This time around, the focus is on the one member of the group that always gets overlooked, mostly because, well, it's just more pleasant really and considering his track record, it's never really made sense to go into detail.
Unless you've got tweasers or a sponge or something...
03:04:27 Lonesome Clone
You know it's going to be a bad day when things just can't get any better.
(And my apologies to Steve for not getting this up sooner)
03:06:18 For a Few Joules More
That's what I love about the folks we're lucky enough to count as fans. Sure, we're insurmountable slackers when it comes to writing up new stories
"Ooh, I've got no computer."
"Ooh, I've over committed my free time."
"Ooh, I'm saving a bus load of nuns from evil zombie Nazis"
Well, our dear friend Hetta Kress (Herbalist par excellance) would have nothing to do with any of that. She's put us to shame by coming up with her own Galactic Customs tale, and might I add, she did a hell of a job with it.
So sit back, relax, and try not to count the high tension wire towers the next time you're on a long trip.
03:11:15 Unforgivable
It's a recently rediscovered ancient device of magnificent opportunity and hope.
What else would you expect?
04:10:25 So So Sodium
Special Guest Author Maracus helps us celebrate the one year anniversary of our last episode by exploring one of the great themes of literature:
If you don't know what it does, don't touch it.
05:03:17 And They Called Him Shimo
Wow! Another chapter written (and expertly so, I'd note) by someone other than the idiots that brought you the first batch. Once again the intrepid Maracus (with the noble and willing assistance of Narratio) have once again stepped up to fill our gaping void.
You know, with quality like this, we may never come back.
I kid, I kid... What? Another busload of nuns needs saving from nazi zombies? The same one? What, don't they have a map?
05:09:04 Duel on the Son
He had a blood thirst that only a mother could love.
Which is nice since there was a rebate.
07:01:21 The Men Who Shot Russell Shimo
Once again, Maracus shows that even people are shooting at him, he's still able to come up with a pretty darn good story.
It's a tale of two, no wait, three, hang on, four... ok, a bunch of Shimos.
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Copyright 2012, Jim Evans, Steve Keller, and JR Conlin. All Rights, most lefts, and a fair
number of middles Reserved. No portion of this site can be reproduced without express permission
of the authors
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