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Barbarian Rhapsody

 
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TechnoAtheist
Überdork
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Joined: 08 Aug 2002
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Location: !Boise

PostPosted: Tue Aug 10, 2004 10:34 pm    Post subject: Barbarian Rhapsody Reply with quote

Problem #1. I got a copy of City of Heroes, which, if you've not played yet, is deliciously crack-like and nearly as addictive as breathing. If you own a copy, you'll understand. I've already created a stable of characters including three that I tend to run off of Pinnacle. A blaster named Gary Arson (who kicks serious ass, but is also kinda dull), A natural/magic controller named Faunaman (He's a walking band-aid and a tanker's bestest friend), and a tanker named Salad Barbarian.

Don't give me that look, I had to. Particularly since he just came out perfectly.

Problem#2. I got a copy of the City of Heroes comic book (Issue #3) which is (uhm, what's the best way to describe this?...) bad. Not <i><a href="http://ask.yahoo.com/ask/20040806.html">Manos: Hands of Fate</a></i> bad, more like <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061671/">Sidehackers</a></i> bad. Included in that was a short fan story called <i>Jokesmith</i> which featured a crime fighting clown with serious masochistic overtones. Less said on that regard the better. It turns out that they also take submissions from various folks, explaining how this story got included.

Problem#3. Because of various reasons (mostly work related) I've not had a lot of time to write anything more than a page or two.

Tie all those together and you get this, the fan fiction I submitted to them. This is probably funniest if you play the game, but hopefully there's enough there that it makes sense even if you don't.

Quote:

<b>Barbarian Rhapsody</b>

He stands just over six foot of slightly befuddled leafy Legionnaire. Born from the endless mystery that surrounds the local steak buffet restaurant, the breeze ruffled his leafy tresses as the sinewy mass of semi-sentient vegetation made his way through the streets. His mind a well focused tool.

"Salad Barbarian not saying that Paragon-de-nom-i-non City not great place to live. Salad Barbarian maybe move here, get hitched and raise crop of little barbarian one day. Salad Barbarian just wondering why Salad Barbarian need to protect citizen people."

Ok, so it's a tool mostly used for cracking walnuts, but a tool none the less.

His smaller, and significantly less leafy sidekick rolled his eyes. "Barbarian, we run around all day getting beaten, blasted, boiled and barbecued for a reason. h-e-double-hockeysticks, I can't remember the last time we took time off or even ate a meal. It feels like we've been patrolling for days without a break." Had it been days? It seemed like they just started a few hours ago. He shook his head to get himself back on track. "We do it because we've got to protect these folks. They're trying to rebuild their lives. They're totally defenseless against the hordes of bad guys."

The Veggie Vigilante stopped and stared at his sidekick. "Dressing Lad not notice how citizens able to just shove Salad Barbarian around?", he said in nearly complete disbelief. "Salad Barbarian pretty beefy guy for vegetable. Yet--"

"Excuse me." A small woman lightly pushed the mighty Green Guardian several feet to the left as she walked by.

"There!" Salad Barbarian yelled, excitedly pointing toward the slight woman who continued her leisurely stroll. "Nice Lady not even break stride smacking Salad Barbarian out of way." His eyes grew wide with a mixture of terror and concern. "Salad Barbarian not want make Nice Lady mad. Nice Lady may throw building at Salad Barbarian." the Fibery Fighter said in a hushed tone.

Dressing Lad raised an eyebrow, but decided not to press the issue further. "Well if nothing else, we've got to protect these folks from the gangs." Dressing Lad regretted that statement as soon as he saw his companions brow furrow.

"That something else Salad Barbarian not really understand."

"Oh, for the love.. now what?" Dressing Lad massaged his temples, hoping to forestall the headache.

"Salad Barbarian actually stand and watch gang members try to steal car for whole day. Skully members have funny face that make Salad Barbarian want to yell 'Uh-oh,Chongo!', but that beside point. Finally Salad Barbarian get bored, walk over and beat up skully faces. Skully faces hit Salad Barbarian pretty darn hard."

"So? They were strong, your point is...?"

"So why not just pick up car and carry it off? Salad Barbarian glad to be on right side of law. Otherwise Salad Barbarian make mint in used car parts."

Dressing Lad sighed, and continued walking across the bridge toward City Hall. They'd go, check in, maybe get a bite to eat and call it a night... week... whatever it was.

"Also, Salad Barbarian once save nice man from baddies." Barbarian continued as he jogged to catch up to his sidekick. "Nice man say he not meet hero before. Nice man must be new in town, but run off before Salad Barbarian could give welcome wagon basket. Nice man not even say goodbye. Could have knocked Salad Barbarian over with feather." The Garnish Gladiator stopped and puzzled over that thought, "Actually, feather could do pretty big damage. Better to knock Salad Barbarian over with truck. That not hurt at all. Salad Barbarian get hit by lots of those."

The Barbarian's train of thought was quickly derailed by a cry for help. Without a moment's unwelcome thought, the Jolly Green Gargantuan leapt from the side of the bridge and landed in the middle of a group of Hellions, his fists not quite ready for action.

"Can Salad Barbarian ask devil dudes question?" he asked in earnest curiosity.

The gathered Hellions paused, not quite sure what to make of the situation. Normally there would have been several blows by now and this was just throwing them off. They exchange several nervous glances as the Barbarian stood scratching his head. "Uh, sure", one of the members responded meekly.

"There lot of you, right? Salad Barbarian always running into groups of devily guys."

"Well, yeah, I mean, we do rule and all." one of the other Hellions remarks, still not willing to drop his gun.

"Sure, but devily guys have to admit, this pretty crappy location to be gang."

Confusion ran rampant through the group. "Wh-- what do you mean?"

"Well, Nice lady here have-- what-- $20 in purse?"

"Actually, just $15. Oh, and some gum." the woman said helpfully, then, realizing what she had done, began edging her way away from the soon to be ensuing chaos.

"Yet there.." the Barbarian paused to perform the needed, weighty calculations, "..five of you. And devily guys probably try to get nice lady purse for an hour. Devily guys get better money flipping burgers. That pay more than three dollars an hour. Plus Devily guys get nicer hats." The Barbarian smiled as he noted the jaunty paper hats would compliment the red leather attire rather nicely.

"Enough talk, GET HIM!" A chain gun spat hot lead at the Barbarian who pretty much ignored the blast. Several of the others then started unleashing their fury, also only to be ignored.

Suddenly two of the Hellions were engulfed in flames. A third turned toward the assailants and went flying from a slug blast to the chest. A fourth screamed as he was repeatedly hurtled against the ground by an unseen hand. The fifth grabbed his head and groaned from the psychic assault. Not even a second later, two new heroes appeared and began to dispense their wrath on the remaining, barely conscious, Hellions. Another second and Salad Barbarian and the victim stood alone in a circle of bodies and smoldering grass.

"WoooT! l33t h3r0z RooL!" several of the passing squadron cry out as the group ran, leapt and flew past the Barbarian. Shocked by the ferocity of the attack, the victim staggered, not sure where to turn. She grabbed her purse and joined the growing parade of citizens following the heroic group trying to express their thanks.

"Also, Devily guys set up shop in town crawling with good guys. Devily guys should have picked Boise."

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Maracus
Impressive
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 11:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sitting here with a stunned expression that Dressing Lad must be intimately familiar with. That was.....really...funny.

You've made my day, tnks!

Please sir....I'd like some more....
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TechnoAtheist
Überdork
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Joined: 08 Aug 2002
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 12, 2004 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh.

Ask and <a href="http://www.unitedheroes.net/grayhound/wafflehouse5/wafflehouse5.php#08112004">you sort of recieve</a>.
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bobthegoat
Balpeen
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2004 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, so We get a tanker in Capt. Industry (good compliment to Faunaman, despite divergent economic views), a blaster out of Lady Peacemaker, but what is The Detective? I could see a controller or a scrapper, but given the Holmes-esque nature and not-so-in-depth storylines, I don't see his particular talents coming through to heavily.

So, what server should I create Captain industry on? Or maybe a Dressing Lad blaster or defender?
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TechnoAtheist
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2004 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to agree that The Detective is sort of hard to fit in.

Personally, I'd probably make him a natural controller with mentals and kinetics (Faunaman really SHOULD have been a Defender, but according to what i'd written out for him, controller with empathy fit better. I just keep dumping points into empathy to make him a big walking bandaid.)

Unfortunately, Myron tends to cross scrapper, controller and blaster, since he'd do hand to hand with thugs, but also is not afraid to use firearms for the bigger folks. (I mentioned that he's got a pet .45 when he went back to Seattle to reclaim his junk. That's something that will play out more in later chapters since Lady Peacemaker has issues about guns. Yes, she does. She hides it rather well, but look back at what she's done and said and you'll get the idea.)

As for which server, I tend to play on Pinnacle most of the time, but haven't been online in weeks. (I'm seriously jonesing at this point) The nice thing is that I really have no interest in building mega-super heroes, so I've got SaladBarbarian at about 11 and Faunaman at about 8.

Kripes, I'm a geek.

Oh, and DL? he's definitely a defender. He avoids fights where possible and instead just slaps band-aids on the survivors. Not sure what his offensive is (well, other than sarcasm), since he's not really a superhero. He's basically just a normal person in an abnormal situation.
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