My book. Tell me how it is and if you would read it.

[Patsavana]

Apocalypse
The Blood Lust

By Randy Cooke

Prologue

Back before time ever existed there was a planet, a planet that was prosperous in every way. A lot more than the modern days. Where there was no greed, no hate and mostly no violence. All until everything changed. The end was near and no one knew that the fight for their planet was about to begin.

From the very depths of hell Satan began to become jealous, jealous that god had all the glory of ruling the earth. All he could do was trick angels. In his fury he began to plot against God. He would send his forces onto the earth and infest the whole entire planet. God, knowing this began to get his angels ready for war with hell.

A hundred years passed before the first battle started. It was 3000 B.C. when hell opened its gates. It was terrible, the demons were killing everything they could see, Men, Women, and children fell victim to the horde of hell. God knowing this would happen had his angels ready for battle. In the skies you can hear a rumble and then the clouds parted. And in their holy glory, millions of Angels were riding down from heaven on their white horses. And when the army of hell saw them they started to run away but when they saw Satan himself running towards the army they followed.

The armies collided and there was a great explosion, demons and angels flew in all directions due to Satan hitting the front line with an axe. In forty bloody hours the battle was over. The demons have overthrown the army of heaven. As the angels retreated to heaven the army cheered and continued to rape and pillage the people of earth.

One hundred years passed and the earth was in shambles, evil has infested the earth. Time after time heaven attacked the earth and without victory. So God knowing he is beginning to lose the battle began to create angels who he would put his own spirit and his strength into them. First he created Leafger; He made him the controller of plants and the teacher of the angels. Next he created Speddra the controller of wind, Flareack the controller of fire, Iceskin the controller of ice, and Ampure the controller of electricity.

After he created the others he wanted to get somebody from hell to help them fight on their side. So Leafger goes to hell disguised as a demon and meets with the general of hell’s army. A sort of tall handsome demon who has long black hair, greenish-black eyes and wearing what looks like a ninja costume, and no respect for anyone.

“Hey you what is your name?” Leafger asks. “Me!? Who am I! Who the hell are you and what’s your rank?” He responds with a snarl. “My name is Leafger the leader of a group who is standing up to your army and I am looking for a leader of heavens new army. And God wants you to do it. ” He looks at him with a glare that sent chills up his spine and pulls out his sword. “Why the hell do I want to leave my army who is winning and lead the losers?”

“Because we won’t be losing for long…Anyway If you do I promise you God will make you three hundred times stronger and faster than you are now. Now who are you?”

“My name is Patsavana the Dark Ninja, The general of Hell’s army and if I go with you I will have a thing I want from you.” He says with a dirty smile. “I want to bring my friend Morphene along with me. Is that OK…? Or you can shove it?” Leafger looks at him and smiles. “Deal.”


All three of them leave hell and go up into heaven to meet God. “Are you aware of our deal?” God says. “Well I get stronger and I fight for you, well let me get something straight, I don’t work for you. I just want to get stronger.” Patsavana says with a sneer. “Don’t worry you will get your streangth but you have to do your part.” God says with a gentle smile. “Well…,” Patsavana says looking around looking uneasy “lets get to it, I have work to do.” Morphene takes a step forward up to God. “Hey, What the Hell! Is there anyone who is going to introduce me?” He partially yells. “DO I have any God damb part of this?” “Hello Morphene, I have been waiting for you and your friend Patsavana.” God says, “I will give you the same privilege as Patsavana under one condition, you never use my name in vain again.” “What the F…” Right before he had a chance to finish Patsavana smacks him in the back of the head. “Shut up you moron.” He looks at God. “We will do what you want, and if you don’t mind I have to go and clean off hell’s mess.”

Just then God raised his hand and pulled out something from his chest. It was a glowing ball. All of the sudden it divided in two and shot into Both of their chests, knocking them back against the wall and when they hit the floor, Patsavana felt a tingle run up his back and into his chest into his head. Then it went away. “Now go, Patsavana, lead my army and conquer my domain.

Before he knew it he was back on the battleground. But he was fighting for the good of God. And this made him feel funny. The first battle was the hardest for him due to his getting used to his new power. Which is beyond he could imagine. He was able to destroy hundreds of demons and the undead with one single swipe of his two swords that he made himself. And before long hell had been pushed back, and after fifty years they had been pushed back all the way to hell.

The last thing he could hear was Gods voice telling them to be ready in the next four thousand years this will happen again, but much worse. That our souls will go from body to body until then. And that I will meet a mortal that will have strength and that he will train him to fight with him.
_________________
The path less chosen has the greater reward at the end.

[TechnoAtheist]

It's hard to really get a feel about this story from just a prologue. Granted, there's a fair amount of story involved in it, and the tone that it's delivered makes it a bit odd and a bit surreal. I mean, this was Armageddon the narrator's talking about and he's describing it like a minor skirmish that sort of went bad.

I presume that the narrator is not one of the named characters, possibly some underpaid hireling or something that's relating the story in a near drunken stupor to a luckless fellow who is himself hoping that the liquor would win that fight and the loudmouth historian would just slump over.

I'll admit, that if I were just browsing this story, i'd probably skip it at first. I'm also interested in what this story is actually about? Good vs. Evil is a setting, not really a story. Is this a story about the fundementals of choice and free will? Nature vs. Nurture? The complexities of morals?
_________________
The Grayhound Chronicles
"TGC is less like a web serial and more like the Al Azif in bite-size form."
--~Steve-o

[TechnoAtheist]

Oh, and by the way, I'm holding off on voting until I get a better idea about the story.
_________________
The Grayhound Chronicles
"TGC is less like a web serial and more like the Al Azif in bite-size form."
--~Steve-o

[TechnoAtheist]

Ok, so here's a quick stab at a different way to do the prologue:

<blockquote>
"No doubt about it," the lump near the darker side of the bar suddenly called out, "we could use rain."

A small patch of red light danced across the lump's back. It matched the shaking targeting site of the patrolman, startled by the sudden nonsensical comment. A dry whisp of dust carried the ashen remains of the city between his boots.

"Wh-who are," the patrolman corrected himself, "Identify yourself!" he barked out, his voice less convincing having cracked half way through.

"Relax lad, if I were one of them, do you think we'd be having this conversation?" The lump made a sound between a laugh and a choke. A darkened hand patted the bar next to the lump before sliding a mostly empty bottle of clear liquid into view. "I could use a few moments company."

The patrolman's targeting laser continued etching it's wild pattern. The bottle's contents were clear and suddenly the patrolman could no longer ignore the dry flakes that seemed to fill the back of his throat. He lunged made his way slowly to the bottle, his rifle rattling with fatigue and nerves.

"Go on, lad, it's not every day one finds such treasures." The Lump taunted. "And it's more polite to share."

The patrolman reached out to take the bottle, the contents sloshed slightly and gave off an odd smell, doubtlessly the musk of ages. Thirst struck and the patrolman greedily downed the clear liquid in one gulp, then dropped his rifle in a coughing fit, struggling to breath through the fire that filled his throat.

The Lump laughed again, a horse coughing laugh, nearly masked by the patrolman's gagging. "That's what you get for disrespecting the liquor, lad. You're too young to be drinking vodka like water."

The patrolman finally gained back his breath, it was sour and filled with the strange sent.

"Still, I suppose a young pup like you wouldn't know, and I'm sorry lad. There, my canteen is down there, it's full, take what you like. There's plenty of water for us both."

The Patrolman coughed again, as his head swam. He groped his way to the canteen, this time being more careful as he opened the flask. The sweet smell of metal and oil filled his deadened nose and he sipped, carefully this time. It tasted of warm steel the way water was supposed to taste. The patrolman choked it down, gasping for breath as he reached the end.

"Good Lad", The Lump said in a soothing voice. Once again he patted the bar next to him. "Now, come keep an old man company for a while."

The patrolman coughed again before struggling to his feet. His head was still swimming, but he managed to pull over a tall, backless chair. He kept one hand on his rifle, specifically the trigger, just in case.

"I suppose you wouldn't know about rain either." the lump observed, "Corporal, Fischer? is it?"

The Patrolman braced, before he noticed the lump pointing to the faded name sewn into his uniform.

"Not many folks do remember. It's been a long time since we've had any. There was a time when folks believed that a person needed water to survive, and that it was possible to die if you didn't drink." The Lump coughed a chuckle again, "but I suppose that we've gone and proved them wrong now, haven't we Lad? Well, those of us that are left."

Fischer felt a strange warmth fill him, as if his muscles were starting to relax. Oddly, he didn't mind. "Who are you?"

The Lump laughed again. "Me? I'm a soldier too. I've just been in this war too damn long. The Lump shifted and there was another sloshing sound, the same sort of sound the liquid in the bottle had made. It was followed by a thud as a second bottle appeared from beneath the lump's dark coat. "Too damn long. Hell, I can't even remember why I started fighting, why any of us started fighting. But then, that's something I've been working at lately."

The Lump grabbed the bottle again and Fischer watched the Lump gulp down the liquid much like he had, only the Lump didn't cough or sputter. It was obvious that he had grown used to the liquid long ago.

"Too many dead. Too much suffering. And for what? Do you know what this is about? Well, I can tell you. It's a bar bet. A little wager between the devil and God himself, and you and me? We're poker (why we haven't even dated yet!) chips, traded back and forth between the two until one's got 'em all."

The remains of the second bottle drained into the Lump. Fischer stared at the bottle fascinated by the way that the drops danced inside.

"But I suppose it could be worse." The Lump said. Fischer turned to look at his companion, ready to ask how things could possibly be worse than this living hell they were both in.

He never did ask.

Instead he tried to choke back a scream as he stared into the pupiless eyes set deep into a scarlet face, the deamon pulled back his hood to reveal the seven alibaster horns that seemed to painfully tear through the creature's scalp. This wasn't a run-of-the-mill demon, this wasn't a high demon, this was one of the Five.

Fischer, frozen in terror, pissed himself as the creature stumbled to it's feet, a dozen empty bottles crashed to the floor as the creature stared at him with those soul breaking eyes. A deep scowl seemed to cut into the creature's face, making Fischer wonder what other embarassing bodily functions he may be performing.

Much to his own surprise, Fischer lived, although it took nearly a day for him to compose himself again and stumble, ashen, back to his encampment. The Seargent nearly castrated him on the spot for missing duty and coming back with such an incredible snausage and bull story. Fischer decided not to mention it again, and soon he began to doubt he even had the encounter with the creature.

But he did know one thing. To that creature, one of the Five created to destroy the earth, and had spent time getting staggeringly drunk in the remains of a bar that Fischer had stumbled upon, if there was one thing worse than satan and God playing poker (why we haven't even dated yet!) with the likes of men and demons, it was if they decided to play Parcheesi instead.
</blockquote>
_________________
The Grayhound Chronicles
"TGC is less like a web serial and more like the Al Azif in bite-size form."
--~Steve-o

[Hetta]

[Patsavana]

Well, It is a mixture of japanese and Christian belifes,
The first war between heaven and hell is the Begining and then it goes to moddern times and the main characture (Patsavana) realizes that the second war is about to begin. I would have put in the rest of my book but that would have been 25 more pages. It is also a first unedited version of my book. I will go back and add more or take out a few minor details.
I kind of take offence in your "drunken stupor" comment sence I am only 17 years old.
I do thank you for your comments.
Randall Gean Cooke II

[Hetta]

[TechnoAtheist]

The message TA replies to here has been rubbed out, deleted, removed, killed off and put into the rubbish bin. Abusive twaddle, it was. I've left in TA's reply to it as that is entertaining. That's the 3rd abusive one from this particular troll, by the way, TA; you might not have seen the others as I've removed them as I've seen them. --Hetta, mod.

I predict a long writing career for you.

Provided one includes various bathroom walls.

Ok, first off, toughen up bitch. (And I mean you Pat.) Understand that the person giving you the harshest critique is someone who's got more than a few books under her belt. If you think her comments are harsh, you simply haven't dealt with a professional editor.

Secondly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, you have no story telling leg to stand on, no less start trying to kick at others. Your prologue was very amature, your character development scant and even the names were obviously contrived with minimal effort (e.g. Flareack the controller of fire, Iceskin the controller of ice, and Ampure the controller of electricity). Do some research and find out some names that might convey these concepts in a more subtle tone.

Third, your plot is not new. In fact, it's been done to death since it was originally conceived as part of the Babylonian mythos (I'd recommend looking those up, by the way. 10 millennia later, they're still a great read.)

If you want to do a story along those lines, for the love of literature, bring something new to the party.

As for my "drunken" comment, your prolog skips through the end of times war as if it's old hat. (Hey remember when those indescribable creatures showed up last Thursday to envicerate the first born? Man, did they ever make a mess. Who want's a burrito?) It skips along coldly relating elements of horror, blasphemy and destruction without ever addressing the sorts of issues that would really be in people's minds. The reason I thought the person telling the narrative was "drunk" was because the story was so damn sloppy I had hoped that you were going for some form of style.

Carnage, real carnage, (not the crap you see playing Metal Gear Solid) is deeply disturbing. Imagine seeing your best friend laying on the ground, trying to push his intestines back screaming in terror and pain. It's an image that burns itself into your psyche and haunts your nightmares because you know you're seeing something very real to someone you know who is going to die, and is very much aware of the sort of pain they're in. And there's nothing you can do to help them.

As for your presumed 'morals', I'd note that those that often praise their own are the ones that never actually practice them. After all, the devil does his best work through evangelists.

I'm also lost by your statement about "your manners will shoot from [your] ass". I don't believe those are what you think they are, but they quite possibly may be correct none the less.


For those so interested, I've no intention of removing this thread, although a second such outburst from Pat will result in a nice ol' fashioned ban, and an equally good shot at making sure that this generally embarassing exchange stays quite public.
_________________
The Grayhound Chronicles
"TGC is less like a web serial and more like the Al Azif in bite-size form."
--~Steve-o

[Patsavana]

BITCH

[Maracus]

I keep meaning to enter the fray in a conciliatory manner, but I'm having a great deal of difficulty staying.....objectionable. I thought the subject matter interesting, if ambitious. As has been stated, the story has been tackled before, and unless you can bring something unique to the story, the most common response from any prospective publisher will be a yawn.

The rambling intro crosses back and forth between monologue and dialogue in a distracting manner, try to avoid writing in such a jerky manner, as they detract from the flow of your story. If you're developing past story, keep it brief, avoid personal descriptors, we don't need to know what your characters wore when you're trying to pack in as much as possible in "background" development. You're not telling the story yet.

Avoid excess characters. The "Morphene" character appears, has dialogue, and then dissapears from the rest of your intro. The story seems to center around your "Patsavana" character.

If you're going to write character dialogue, spend more time investigating the motives of your character before spelling out what they're trying to say. The dialogue comes across as meaningless and vulgar. You've got a possibility in that you've gotten people to read your story, and leave comments. However, you're going to have to develop a thicker skin, publishers are the true demons of our time, and you will face the inevetable rejections from time to time if you decide you wish to publish.

Polish it, compress it, and re-write all of your characters, starting with a character profile. A well built character makes its own decisions in your head. It isn't about what "you" would do in the situation, unless you're writing a biography, it's about the character. Take the time to sort out your characters first, and everything runs a LOT smoother.

Lastly, don't insult other authors, it's the kiss of death when you're looking for consideration. Editors talk to each other. If you start mailing dead cats to all your publishers, no one will want to talk to you.
_________________
Those who ask themselves "why?", to the same questions are lacking in creativity. Make something up.

[TechnoAtheist]

Well, Mr. Randall Cooke from lassen high in Susanville, CA (ah, the fun one has when one is the admin for a board), has been banned.

I'd have reported him to the appropriate authorities, except I expect that they're well aware of Mr. Cooke and his refined social graces.

As an added bit of fun, i went ahead and banned the lassen high subnet, although apparently there's only one computer there.

I actually had fond hopes for Mr. Cooke, (not as a writer mind you, since I'm well aware that sort of thing can be tried in The Hague) but as someone who had better things to do with his time and who, when confronted with an opinion different than his own, and one he has proven incapable of surmounting, would simply leave.

I will, however, be certain to include this little diatribe in such a manner as to ensure that the major search engines pick it up, since it'll be a fun skeleton to add to his closet.

As for his obvious sexual frustration, I'd note that there have been reports of some folks incapable of achieving a satisfying human relationship pursuing a personally enjoyable relationship with a shopvac. Although I'd suppose I may warn him that he should have removed the FlowBee first.
_________________
The Grayhound Chronicles
"TGC is less like a web serial and more like the Al Azif in bite-size form."
--~Steve-o

[Maracus]

The crack-monkey is an excellent touch too.
_________________
Those who ask themselves "why?", to the same questions are lacking in creativity. Make something up.

[steveo]

Crow and Tom Servo are hunched over a computer monitor giggling when Mike walks in. Before Mike can say anything, Servo speaks up.

Servo: Hey, uh, Mike, you're a human, right? Let me ask you something.
Mike: Sure, Servo, ask away.
Servo: So, uh, what's the deal with Japanese school girls and tentacles?
Mike: WHAT?!
Servo: Well Crow and I were looking for Pokemon stories, you know, being the big fans that we are, and we found this Pokemon Lemon page, and since all the Pokemon are different colors, we started-
Mike: Oh, I see now. Lemon isn't a type of Pokemon, it's a- oh, hold on, the mads are on the phone.

[Cut to Dr. Forrester]

Forrester: Well, IQ, Courage, and Sparky the Firefly, how are things in Tranquility Forest?
Mike: Actually, I was just about to expl-
Forrester: I don't really care Mike, I was just asking to be polite. Anyway, today we're going to skip your regularly scheduled slices of fried Usenet spam and sugar coated slash fiction bon bons in favor of something completely original and yet, so utterly, how shall I put it ... crappy.
Crow: The script to "Catwoman"?
Forrester: No, that's next week. This week, I'm sending you a small piece of unsolicited doodie posted to the unitedHeroes.net forums with the tag "My book, tell me how it is."
Mike: Wait, unsolicited original fiction asking for opinions? Guys, this could be bad.
Servo: Hey now, we survived 5-Star City, we can survive this.
Mike: Hold on a minute, where's Frank?
Forrester: Oh, he had a minor "accident" while downloading today's experiment.
Crow: Uh- accident?
Forrester: His head exploded.
Mike: Oh yeah, this is going to be bad.
Forrester: Well, it seems my work here is done. Here's this week's experiment- oh, and Mike, try not to die just yet. I've got an advance copy of "The Emperor's New Groove II" I want to send you next week.

Mike: We have fiction sign!!

[queue doors]

Mike and the bots enter from the side and take their seats while Bach's "Toccata and Fugue," mixed with a downloadable, royalty free techno beat, plays over the opening credits.


>> Apocalypse
>> The Blood Lust
>>
>> By Randy Cooke

Crow: You know, I bet Randy Cooke shops at Hot Topic.
Mike: White Wolf and anime, if you're going to plagiarize, plagiarize from the most popular.
Servo: So, apparently, he's both goth and otaku.


>> Prologue

Servo: Can't we just skip to the epilogue?

>> Back before time ever existed there was a planet,

Crow: He wasn't like the other planets, and often got picked on. I'm Wilford Brimley.

>> a planet that was prosperous in every way.

Mike: Except that they had no pants.

>> A lot more than the modern days. Where there was no greed, no hate and
>> mostly no violence.

Mike: Until those who buttered their bread butter side down decided to attack those who buttered it butter side up.

>> All until everything changed.

Servo: Don't you hate when that happens?

>> The end was near

All: REPENT!!

>> and no one knew that the fight for their planet was about to begin.

Crow: Is this the one where Frieza comes back from the dead and Vegeta goes Super Mega Ultra Saiyan?

>> From the very depths of hell Satan began to become jealous

Mike (as Satan): You know, time share in a sulfurous pit sounded like such a good deal at the time...

>> jealous that god had all the glory of ruling the earth. All
>> he could do was trick angels.

Mike (again, as Satan): Keep your eye on the pebble. Now, which cup is it under?

>> In his fury he began to plot against God.

Crow: By spreading rumors about him and Cindy Medford.

>> He would send his forces onto the earth and infest the whole entire planet.
>> God, knowing this began to get his angels ready for war with hell.

Servo: "Unleash the hounds of heaven!" You know, that just doesn't have the same oomf to it.

>> A hundred years passed before the first battle started.

Crow: And just about as long for this story to start.

>> It was 3000 B.C. when hell opened its gates.

Mike: Hey, wait a minute, I thought Time didn't exist yet.

>> It was terrible, the demons were killing everything they could see,
>> Men, Women, and children fell victim to the horde of hell. God knowing
>> this would happen had his angels ready for battle.

Servo: There's God for you. He knows exactly when and where everything's going to happen, he gets his forces ready for battle, and then forgets to do anything about it.

>> In the skies you can hear a rumble and then the clouds parted.

Crow: Much like the verb tenses in this story.

>> And in their holy glory

Servo: Headed to the glory ho-
Mike: That's not necessary.

>> millions of Angels were riding down from heaven on their white horses.

Mike (in an old coot voice): Dang hoodlums!

>> And when the army of hell saw them they started to run away but when they
>> saw Satan himself running towards the army they followed.
>>
>> The armies collided and there was a great explosion, demons and angels
>> flew in all directions due to Satan hitting the front line with an axe.

Crow: An axe filled with dynamite!
Mike and Servo: Aaah!

>> In forty bloody hours the battle was over.

Mike: But time doesn't exist yet!

>> The demons have overthrown the army of heaven. As the angels retreated
>> to heaven the army cheered and continued to rape and pillage the people
>> of earth.

Crow: It's a party! Fiesta!
Servo: A little music, some fruity drinks with little umbrellas, maybe some raping and pillaging...

>> One hundred years passed and the earth was in shambles

Mike: Because Evil may know how to have a good time, but it certainly doesn't clean up after itself.

>> evil has infested the earth. Time after time heaven attacked the earth
>> and without victory. So God knowing he is beginning to lose the battle
>> began to create angels who he would put his own spirit and his strength
>> into them.

Servo: A-
Mike: No alter boy jokes, Tom.

>> First he created Leafger;

Crow: Wasn't that a He-Man figure?

>> He made him the controller of plants

Mike: Hence the "Leaf" part of his name.

>> and the teacher of the angels.

Crow: How can you have any pudding if you don't beat your Evil?

>> Next he created Speddra the controller of wind, Flareack the
>> controller of fire, Iceskin the controller of ice, and Ampure
>> the controller of electricity.
>>
>> After he created the others he wanted to get somebody from hell to
>> help them fight on their side.

Mike: Because fighting on the other side just wasn't getting them anywhere.

>> So Leafger goes to hell

Servo: Just like Randy Cooke's English grade!

>> disguised as a demon

Mike: The fake horns were okay, but the fake tail rode something fierce.

>> and meets with the general of hell’s army. A sort of tall handsome
>> demon who has long black hair, greenish-black eyes and wearing what
>> looks like a ninja costume, and no respect for anyone.

Crow (as Leafger): You wear no respect for anyone well.

>> "Hey you what is your name?" Leafger asks.

Mike: What's your number? I would like to get to know you...

>> "Me!? Who am I! Who the hell are you and what’s your rank?"

Mike: Who the hell. See? It's a pun. He's being clever.

>> He responds with a snarl. "My name is Leafger

Crow (as Leafger): No, I'm Leafger!
Servo: No, I'm Spartacus!

>> the leader of a group who is standing up to your army and I am
>> looking for a leader of heavens new army. And God wants you to
>> do it. " He looks at him with a glare that sent chills up his
>> spine

Crow: Mike, is this lemon?
Mike: It looks like it's heading that way.

>> and pulls out his sword.

All: Whoa!
Mike: Yeah, this is definitely turning yaoi.

>> "Why the hell do I want to leave my army who is winning and lead
>> the losers?"

Mike: See? Hell again. He may be a General, but he cusses with finesse, dammit.
Servo: Damn it. Good one Mike.

>> "Because we won’t be losing for long...Anyway If you do I promise
>> you God will make you three hundred times stronger and faster than
>> you are now.

Crow: Why doesn't God just make the angels he has now three hundred times stronger? Then they wouldn't be losing.

>> Now who are you?"
>>
>> "My name is Patsavana

Mike: Home of Patsavana University. Good old PU.
Servo: We will get Moose and Squirrel!

>> the Dark Ninja,

Crow: With a chewy nouget center.

>> The general of Hell’s army and if I go with you I will have a thing
>> I want from you." He says with a dirty smile.

Servo: I want a toothbrush!

>> "I want to bring my friend Morphene along with me. Is that OK...?
>> Or you can shove it?"

Mike: Shove it?

>> Leafger looks at him and smiles. "Deal."

Servo: So does "shove it" refer to the lemon parts?
Mike: I think so.

>> All three of them leave hell and go up into heaven to meet God.

Crow: On the way, they count only blue cars.

>> "Are you aware of our deal?" God says. "Well I get stronger and I
>> fight for you, well let me get something straight, I don’t work for
>> you. I just want to get stronger." Patsavana says with a sneer.

Servo (as Patsavana): Because after I help you defeat Hell, then I'm going back to Hell, stronger than ever! I'll be ruler of Hell! The Hell we just - um - hold on a minute...

>> "Don’t worry you will get your streangth but you have to do your
>> part." God says with a gentle smile.

Crow: You know, I never thought I'd miss George Burns.
Mike: Yeah, Michael Gambone just isn't the same class of God he was.

>> "Well...," Patsavana says looking around looking uneasy "lets get
>> to it, I have work to do." Morphene takes a step forward up to God.
>> "Hey, What the Hell! Is there anyone who is going to introduce me?"
>> He partially yells.

Mike: What did he do with the other part?

>> "DO I have any God damb part of this?"

Mike: Damb?
Servo: The part of Morphene being read today by Mushmouth from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

>> "Hello Morphene, I have been waiting for you and your friend Patsavana."
>> God says, "I will give you the same privilege as Patsavana under one
>> condition

Crow: That you remember that being three hundred times stronger is a privilege, not a right.

>> you never use my name in vain again." "What the F..." Right before
>> he had a chance to finish Patsavana smacks him in the back of the
>> head. "Shut up you moron." He looks at God. "We will do what you
>> want, and if you don’t mind I have to go and clean off hell’s mess."
>>
>> Just then God raised his hand and pulled out something from his chest.

Mike: God wears falsies?

>> It was a glowing ball.

Crow: gag.

>> All of the sudden it divided in two and shot into Both of their
>> chests, knocking them back against the wall and when they hit the
>> floor, Patsavana felt a tingle run up his back and into his chest into
>> his head. Then it went away. "Now go, Patsavana, lead my army and conquer
>> my domain.

Servo: Back from those cyber-squatters the Vatican.

>> Before he knew it he was back on the battleground. But he was fighting for
>> the good of God. And this made him feel funny.

Crow: Like when you lean back in your chair and you lean too far and you start to fall but you just catch yourself in time? Funny like that?
Mike: I think it's more lemon funny.

>> The first battle was the hardest for him due to his getting used to
>> his new power.

Servo: The glowing ball of fire in his thoracic cavity tended to chaffe.

>> Which is beyond he could imagine. He was able to destroy hundreds of
>> demons and the undead with one single swipe of his two swords that he
>> made himself. And before long hell had been pushed back, and after fifty
>> years they had been pushed back all the way to hell.

Crow: To hell with the devil!
Mike: He's no friend of mine!

>> The last thing he could hear was Gods voice telling them to be ready
>> in the next four thousand years this will happen again, but much worse.

Crow: So the rest of the story is set in the year 1000?
Mike: No, in modern times. The year 2000.
Crow: But that's five thousand years, not four.
Mike: It doesn't matter because time doesn't really exist yet.

>> That our souls will go from body to body until then. And that I will
>> meet a mortal that will have strength and that he will train him to
>> fight with him.

Crow: Who will train who do meet what with who?
Servo: You know, that last paragraph made me feel like a hobo under a cement truck.
Mike: Tired and mixed up?
Servo: Exactly.
Crow: Can we go now, Mike?
Mike: Well, there's no closing credits, so I guess.
Servo: I was hoping for a "Cannonball Run" bloopers real at the end. That's the very least Cooke could have given us.
Crow: Or some more homo-erotic undertones.
Mike: Sorry, Crow. I don't think the world's ready for Gothic Anime Lemon yet.
Servo: And we're all the worse for it.
_________________
Shihan of Martial Arts Sandwich Making and author of Christopher Ford, Amateur Paranormalist

[Vash]

With out trying to interfear with the quarrel between the three of you, I think the book was kind of good, could be better but I think that Mr. Cooke shoulden't have used the language that he did.
However I think it was pushed out of him by the, what I think, "rude comments" by the others... I don't mean any offence, In all do respects.
I don't want to upset anyone from this site sence this is my first day.
I kind of think this topic has died down to an arguement and I think we are all more mature than this.
Thanks for letting me be on this site.

[TechnoAtheist]

Well, I had said that I was going to provide a better critique of the story, so I'll try to do that here. Best go to the bathroom now, since this is going to be a bit long.

Fundamentally, this is a story of Good vs. Evil, along with elements of the Myth of Redemptive Violence thrown in. I was not kidding about the Babylonian references, this story has a good deal in common with the Marduk and Tiamat mythos. Do a search for "Marduk and Tiamat" and you'll find the same sort of struggle issues, including the idea of a general switching sides. In addition, some elements simply aren't that well developed (e.g. the anti-hero being a demonic ninja just seems silly. It'd be like making the anti-hero a golden glove pugilist or a highly accurate bowman).

The fact is that while the battles are fought by grunts, the wars are fought by generals, far from the battle lines. This isn't a question of cowardice in battle either, the fact is that fighting a war requires a good deal of support and infrastructure. Placing that sort of hub that close to the front is fool-hearty and something that the Britons learned was a bad idea when the Romans showed up.

Rule of thumb: Any general that leads a charge is someone that obviously had nothing better to do in that war.

The story presented here is a rather large epic. There are far too many unanswered questions in the prologue alone that could never be addressed in the remaining 25 pages. Why is God so powerless to stop the forces of evil if he is able to endow such massive abilities on a soldier? Why would the other warriors so readily accept the fact that their new field commander was the guy who was literally beating the hell out of them last week? Although it's mostly in jest, Steveo does point out a good many of the weaknesses of what was written.

The Grayhound Chronicles is about 600 pages (figure 200 of them are probably padding; ok, 300 of them). The files of Hydrogen Guy are well over 1000 pages, Christopher Ford is about 200 pages with no padding what-so-ever. I'd also note that none of these stories even attempt something on the sort of scale that his story is trying to present. 30 pages would be a chapter, not a book. The reason for this length is not just to sell paper. It's so that scenes, personalities and motives can be established. Telling folks that