Dear Auntie Ora,

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


For a moment, there's just silence.

Then Pythia leapt to her feet and raced out of the main room. Soon, the distant sound of someone rifling through filing cabinets at a fantastic rate fill the air.

'You realize that all answers are final and non-refundable..', stated Sibyl in her normal 'All Business' tone, not quite shouting over the din.

'Shoes! I can get Shoes!' Cassidy cried out as she dove for her catalogues.

'..and that payment is due upon receipt of answer...'

'Oooh, Gucci!'

'Got It!', Pythia cried out from the filing room.

'..and that the sum total due for in depth research plus expenses is due for all such answers that meet a given question...'

'Here ya go Sibyl. Cassidy, let me see that Land Rover catalogue.'

'..to ensure that only unique questions are posed. This is all part of the standard disclosure you signed earlier.'

For a full beat, Sibyl just stares at you over the top rim of her glasses. Those that know her best would almost see a slight smile appear. The other two are lost in a flurry of glossy catalogues, giggling as if they had sense.

Sibyl pushes a paper toward you.

You're not quite sure you want to read it.

You're also not quite sure you'd make it to the door in one piece.

Your hand trembles a bit as you pick up the document and being reading:

 

 

 Delphic Research, Inc.               Standard Invoice
 Original Query from: J.Kerr		Date: 01/03/78
 -----------------------------------------------------
Question:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck 
 could chuck wood.
	
Answer:
 7,000 Million Acres.
 -----------------------------------------------------
Invoice:
   Two (2) standard woodchucks................$10
   Veterinary Check .........................$120
   Shots required ............................$50
   "Chucking Wood For Dummies" 
   Teach Yourself at home video...............$20
   Popcorn and sodas for woodchucks ...........$8
   Woodchuck "stain" removal from 
   leather couch in Pythia's office .........$100
   One (1) woodchuck pelt ...................Free
   Anger Management Class for Pythia 
   ..................................not included
   Replacement woodchuck ......................$6
   Paper training lessons 
   for woodchucks ............................$30
   Squeaky toys for Woodchucks ................$6
   Animal Carriers for two woodchucks ........$60
   Various repairs to Ms. McBlonde's 
   apartment ................................$500
   Outside housing for woodchucks from 
   Warren's Woodchuck Warren ..............$1,200
   Field Rental for woodchuck testing .......$200
   Angus McCormick
   (1977 World Kaber Toss Champion)
   Consultant hired to teach woodchucks
   for a period of one week 
   (40 hrs @ $120/hr)......................$4,800
   Four cords Pecan wood.....................$280
   (46 lbs/cubic foot)
   Tape Measure ..............................$20
   Replacement windows for vehicles damaged 
   from chucked wood ......................$3,580
   Bonus to Mr. McCormick ...................$500
   Additional damage from thrown chairs
   and tables .............................$1,500
   Therapy for woodchucks for obsessive
   wood chucking three days ...............$6,380
   Damage to office from attack by PETA
   during kidnap of woodchucks ............$3,400
   National Park Service fines and
   levies for uprooted trees .............$12,600
   Retainer: Steve Irwin, professional
   woodchuck tracker, three days .........$24,780
   Hospital bill, Steve Irwin
   (tree extraction) .....................$18,900
   Additional fines and levies from 
   National Park Service after original 
   woodchucks begin teaching other 
   woodchucks how to chuck wood .......$1,530,000
   Fines and costs from National Guard
   Anti-Woodchuck mobilization effort..$2,600,000
   Disposal costs for 1,264 woodchucks ...$75,840
   Salvage of chucked foliage and 
   replanting/recovery costs ..........$8,423,000

   Addt'l:
   Funeral costs for Mr. J. Kerr .........$12,400
	
   Total due upon receipt: ...........$12,720,240
	
	
    Thank you for using Delphic Research, Inc.
                Have a nice day.