Dear Auntie Ora,
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
For a moment, there's just silence.
Then Pythia leapt to her feet and raced out of the main room. Soon, the distant sound of someone rifling through filing cabinets at a fantastic rate fill the air.
'You realize that all answers are final and non-refundable..', stated Sibyl in her normal 'All Business' tone, not quite shouting over the din.
'Shoes! I can get Shoes!' Cassidy cried out as she dove for her catalogues.
'..and that payment is due upon receipt of answer...'
'Oooh, Gucci!'
'Got It!', Pythia cried out from the filing room.
'..and that the sum total due for in depth research plus expenses is due for all such answers that meet a given question...'
'Here ya go Sibyl. Cassidy, let me see that Land Rover catalogue.'
'..to ensure that only unique questions are posed. This is all part of the standard disclosure you signed earlier.'
For a full beat, Sibyl just stares at you over the top rim of her glasses. Those that know her best would almost see a slight smile appear. The other two are lost in a flurry of glossy catalogues, giggling as if they had sense.
Sibyl pushes a paper toward you.
You're not quite sure you want to read it.
You're also not quite sure you'd make it to the door in one piece.
Your hand trembles a bit as you pick up the document and being reading:
Delphic Research, Inc. Standard Invoice Original Query from: J.Kerr Date: 01/03/78 ----------------------------------------------------- Question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Answer: 7,000 Million Acres. ----------------------------------------------------- Invoice: Two (2) standard woodchucks................$10 Veterinary Check .........................$120 Shots required ............................$50 "Chucking Wood For Dummies" Teach Yourself at home video...............$20 Popcorn and sodas for woodchucks ...........$8 Woodchuck "stain" removal from leather couch in Pythia's office .........$100 One (1) woodchuck pelt ...................Free Anger Management Class for Pythia ..................................not included Replacement woodchuck ......................$6 Paper training lessons for woodchucks ............................$30 Squeaky toys for Woodchucks ................$6 Animal Carriers for two woodchucks ........$60 Various repairs to Ms. McBlonde's apartment ................................$500 Outside housing for woodchucks from Warren's Woodchuck Warren ..............$1,200 Field Rental for woodchuck testing .......$200 Angus McCormick (1977 World Kaber Toss Champion) Consultant hired to teach woodchucks for a period of one week (40 hrs @ $120/hr)......................$4,800 Four cords Pecan wood.....................$280 (46 lbs/cubic foot) Tape Measure ..............................$20 Replacement windows for vehicles damaged from chucked wood ......................$3,580 Bonus to Mr. McCormick ...................$500 Additional damage from thrown chairs and tables .............................$1,500 Therapy for woodchucks for obsessive wood chucking three days ...............$6,380 Damage to office from attack by PETA during kidnap of woodchucks ............$3,400 National Park Service fines and levies for uprooted trees .............$12,600 Retainer: Steve Irwin, professional woodchuck tracker, three days .........$24,780 Hospital bill, Steve Irwin (tree extraction) .....................$18,900 Additional fines and levies from National Park Service after original woodchucks begin teaching other woodchucks how to chuck wood .......$1,530,000 Fines and costs from National Guard Anti-Woodchuck mobilization effort..$2,600,000 Disposal costs for 1,264 woodchucks ...$75,840 Salvage of chucked foliage and replanting/recovery costs ..........$8,423,000 Addt'l: Funeral costs for Mr. J. Kerr .........$12,400 Total due upon receipt: ...........$12,720,240 Thank you for using Delphic Research, Inc. Have a nice day.