Dear Auntie Ora,

Critical attitudes aside, I truly believe that time travel will be invented in my lifetime. I've been devising a set of rules for my fellow surfers of the chronostream, but I'm stuck right after number one, which reads "Under no condition become your own parent or grandparent." After that, I can't really think of anything that a time traveller -shouldn't- do. Any suggestions?

Ooh, there's simply lots of things! I mean, for a start you should never wear orange with pink. And you know those puffer jacket things all the kids were wearing some time ago? Well, don't go time travelling in one of them. I mean, they are just *so* out! You'd have to go all the way back to the Middle Ages to find someone who didn't think you were a total dork, you know?

Oh yeah, and talking of the Middle Ages - you know those times when everybody was getting plagues and diseases and things off rats and fleas, and they were turning black and green with bits dropping off their bodies? I remember learning about that when I was in school. Well, you don't want to go to one of those times! I mean, that is just *so* depressing! Have you any idea how much blusher it takes to cover up a cluster of pus-filled boils?

Oh, and don't drink the water. Not from the castle moats, anyway. Because another thing I learnt was that they used to build their toilets so they emptied straight out into...

"Cass, give me that keyboard."

What's wrong now? I'm doing okay! See, I'm giving him all sort of useful suggestions! What's your problem?

"You know the rules. You do makeup, pop music, celebrities and light cleaning. Sibyl and me do quantum mechanics, genetic engineering, Tibetan folk medicine and time travel. Now hand over the keyboard."

Oh, pooh!

"Very sorry about that, Mister Chronosurfer. Please disregard all of the above. I was busy field stripping an AK-47, the caretaker's 4-year-old walked in, saw the PC unattended - you know how it is... Anyway, in answer to your question, rule number two should read: 'Don't feed the velociraptors. At least, not without using a twelve foot pole.' Hmm, twelve foot Pole... I'm sure there's a good gag in there somewhere..."