> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
> How can I get a date with Buffy ?

You've come to the right place, alright. We have a specialist for romance questions.

"Cassie! Hey, Cassandra! One for you!"

"Ooooh, cool!"

Okay, sir, what's your problem? Getting a date? Right then.

(Cassie looks the client over with a critical eye.)

First off, mister, you need to dress a bit nicer. That dusty black cloak will have to go. The bowtie and tail coat combo is cool for parties, but it's a big no-no during the day.

No, see, I think you'd be, like, *really* swoonworthy in a nice black suit with a white shirt and a - let me see your eyes - right, a red necktie.

Hey, red eyes? That can't be normal, can it? Do you have a disease or something? Albino? Ow, that hurts, I had it last year, I was in bed for a whole *week*. That's not it? Whatever you say, dear.

Anyway, your makeup, now. See, black eyeshadow *can* look cool, but I think you've overdone it. Quite a bit, in fact. Guys shouldn't do that at all. And the white face would be just *so* passe, even if you were a lady. Also, I don't think you should've done that lipstick thing -- here, let me help you with your face...

(Cassie opens her make-up kit and takes out a selection of creams and lotions, all well-tested (on Cassie, not on animals, what kind of outfit do you think we are?) for make-up removal. Then she applies said salves to her client's eyes, face and lips. After about half an hour, during which the client almost falls asleep, Cassie's done, and her client looks really smashing.)

There, see? Wait, I'll open the blinds, sunlight really is the best light to see what your face actually looks like.

... bother. Where'd he go? And where'd all this dust come from? Dammit, now I'll have to vacuum the office *again*!