Dear Auntie Ora
Why is all my best thinking done over a glass of beer?
More importantly, why can't I remember any of those thoughts later?

Delphic Research, Inc.
Field Experiment 902-09

Thesis: Beer improves cognitive abilities but depletes short term memory.

Experimental Procedure: Drink a great deal of beer; make note of effects on cognition.

Researchers: DiStefano, P.,
McBlonde, C.

2000 hours - 1 beer

P: So what of it, Cassie? Feel any smarter?

C: Well, I don't know, I'm still all feeling smart that we tricked Sibyl into paying us to go out drinking.

P: That was my idea. It doesn't count.

C: Well, if this guy's right, Pyth, then after a few more beers you're just totally going to be like Albert Eisenhower.

P: Lemme get you another round.

2025 hours - 2 beers

C: Oh my God, Pyth, I think that guy's checking you out.

P: What? Where? I'll bash his head in.

C: No, Pyth, it's a good thing -- over there, in the blue shirt, with the cute little dimple. Behind the guy with the stuffed parrot.

P: That's not the only thing in this place that's been stuffed, if you ask me... HOI! DIMPLE BOY! Front and centre now, pally!

C: I am sooo embarassed...

2045 hours - 4 beers

P: Men are absolute bloody pond-scum.

C: Oh Pythia, don't *hic* take it so hard.

P: Naw, I mean it, Cassie. Not a decent one in the whole bloody lot. Except maybe for Steve and Chaz, but where are they, right? Not here, that's truth...

C: *hic* Well, maybe that guy wouldn't have run if you hadn't *hic* tried to get him to wrestle you.

P: Sleeper hold's a fair move! Pond-scum. Bloody pond-scum.

2115 hours - 5 beers

C: Men *are* scum.

P: 'S all I'm sayin'.

2130 hours - 6 beers

P: Firsht time, bloody cripesh... 'sh a long time ago, wunnit? I'sh pretty young.

C: *hic* Really, Pyth?

P: Ayup.. I'sh... fifteen? Shixteen? Nah, fifteen... I remember'im like 'e'z sittin' right 'ere, too... Them deep blue eyesh, that dev'lish shmile... Long, lanky body... Oooh, jusht the way it felt when I grabbed'im by the shouldersh, hauled 'im down to the ground wit' me...

C: Oh, Pyth! *hic* I'm so *hic* touched you're sharing this with me!

P: Then I put me knee 'crosh 'iz windpipe and slit 'iz belly open. Me mum's shtill got the ol' croc shtuffed and hung over 'er mantle back 'ome...

C: Umm...

2145 hours - 7 beers

P: Yer me besht mate, Cashie.. I mean that...

C: hee hee hee! *hic*

P: I feel we rilly, y'know... connected... All thoshe bitchy things I ever shaid 'bout you, Cash, I'm shorry.. Jusht poshterin, y'know... gotta keep up the tough exshterior so'z not t'get 'urt, y'know?

C: *hic* Hee hee hee hee!

P: *belch*

C: Pyth, I, like, really have this craving for Indian food... let's go to the all-you-can-eat up the block!

P: Cripesh, Cashie! Yer a bloody geniush! Lead the way, old chum.. oh.. oof! *THUD*

C: *hic* Pyth? Hee hee hee! *hic*

Results: Inconclusive. Although Cassie seemed to gain cognitive ability, this effect may have been relative. Other conclusions were drawn earlier, and with a great deal of certainity, but at the current time they're rather hazy.

Further study is warranted. *hic*