jr conlin's ink stained banana

Jeremy is thinking about purchasing a new home. Well, good for him. i say that because there's no feeling quite like owning your own stake of planet Earth, and the fact that misery loves company.

While i can't give much more advise regarding the home purchase process other than: "Get a Realtor" (Not because they're helpful, but like lawyers, they've built a staggeringly complex system to ensure their own survival) and consider a mortgage broker as an option (again, no reason to do the work if someone else is willing to do it for free), i can offer a few other additional purchase ideas:

Vice Grips
i'd suggest three, a small, medium and large. The large should be big enough to span 12 inches comfortably and the small should be just big enough you can squeeze behind a toilet to tighten the nut that's dripping water all over. Vice Grips are quite possibly the greatest invention of man.

a Wet/Dry Shop-vac
The second greatest invention of man. Most also act as blowers which, while producing curious looks from neighbors, actually do a damn fine job clearing out the back patio. The wet part is important when the dish-washer door breaks at 11PM during the rinse cycle.

a Digital Voltmeter/Ohmsmeter
If you're a geek, you probably already have one of these. Make sure it's fused and able to handle 500v of current. Analog is nice, but digital is better for figuring out why the cable doesn't work.

box of 100+ Rubber Gloves
They're cheap, they keep your hands dry and non-conductive, and sometimes, that's a real bonus.

a pair of cow-hide work gloves
Best to try these on in the store, then thrust your hand into the open bin of woodscrews. Yeah, it seems stupid now, but you probably don't have roses, navel orange trees, and other bits of nature with unexpectedly sharp pointy bits.

A Machete
Chances are, this one will be the hardest to find, since the best ones are Philipino and made from old truck springs. Yeah, sure an axe or hatchet will work in a pinch, but trust me, nothing works out the aggression like swinging two pounds of sharpened knife into the damn bush that tore through your cowhide gloves, or the toilet that won't stop leaking even after you've replaced every damn gasket.

There are lots more little things, like three towels you never plan on using on yourself, as many old flannel shirts as you can comfortably convert into rags, a nylon tarp (6×6 or greater) and a snow shovel (regardless of locale or weather conditions), but those things come later.

Ah well, off to improve my vocabulary four letters at a time.